Empty Promises Pt. 2

Well I got to see my OM the other day, finally. And she goes "well we're not sending you b/c the people who thought they were coming back early decided not to". So I go, "well what about the girl who came back early b/c of a family emergency?" "Well, she decided to go back." And I'm thinking, ...Gee I guess the family death wasn't that big of a deal. So I just say, "oh okay, well at least we got HRD working." So I head off to find a desk and then my Team Leader says he needs to talk to me. So I head over, and he says "Let's go somewhere private." --cue ominous music-- So he says that he needs to give me feedback that my recent vocalizations of how I felt I was getting punished for my HRD not working wasn't professional. And I didn't deny I said it. I said that to the OM when I first found out that HRD needed a 2nd trouble ticket filed (which would be approx Apr 4 from my Blog posts) and then she told me they found another person who had a working HRD so they're not sending me. So I say to her "Well I feel like I'm being punished for something that's not my fault." To which she replied, "Well I'm sorry that you feel that way." And then I asked her what would happen if HRD went down and she said she hoped it wouldn't happen.

So the amusing part about this is when I said "I feel..." is the actual phrase that you're supposed to use in arguments based relationship counsellors research. Not "You did..." which is accusatory, but you're supposed to say how a person's actions impacted you. Considering I could've said a lot worse things and every one of them would have been absolutely true... getting feedback on something like that really pushed me over the edge. I was just like ...Holy f*ck you guys are such a bunch of @ssholes. Considering all the hell that I went thru, not just the 3hrs I spent at work on my day off, but all the stress and confusion over wondering if I'm going or not and trying to think of what I need to bring, trying to refresh myself on the GSM material, getting so stressed that I need to spend 3 hrs on the PS2 just so I'd be tired enough to pass out and not stay awake all night thinking of work. But I'd end up walking in the middle of the morning (I go to work at 2:30p so I sleep until 1:30p :P) and start thinking of work. Trying to conserve my usage of clothes(we need to dress business -casual, which meant that in the time between when I found out I got SLR position and when I was officially SLR, I spent my days off shopping), and get my affairs in order in case I'm not in the city, and I found out one of my favourite TLs is quitting ... I basically lost it. Nope, I didn't punch out my TL. I did what women do when they're super-stressed...I started crying.

Let me just say that I'm not a crier. I start getting weepy when I see death on film(I have issues with my mother's death), but other than that, nope. Last times I've cried it was b/c my dad threatened to throw me out of the house (but I wasn't crying in front of my dad, it was more when I started talking about it w/ J), and when I was going thru a dispute w/ WCB and the last place I worked. So for me to break down at work, really sucked. And since I was ashamed at myself for getting weepy, the more upset I became, which meant I got more stressed... Anyways, he didn't help things by saying that they give us assignments to see how well we handle them and also test us on how we react when we get rejected. So he kinda mumbled a couple of things(it doesn't help he has a speech impediment), and then said that he's picked me for this special project that helps the upper management, and is really important work so they only picked the best performers for it. Well it sorta helped, but I've seen what happens to some of the SLRs when they get assigned to special projects, they end up spending unpaid OT trying to finish it.

Anyways, the SLRs OM came in to confirm the booking of the room for the SLR meeting, and I didn't really look at him, cause my eyes were soooo red. So I basically booked it to the washroom, applied a bunch of cold towels to my face and eyes, blew my nose lots, and then ran down to Shoppers for some Visine. I made it for the meeting just in time, after applying about triple the recommended dose. And then afterwards b/c I had to see the SLR OM for my badge(I was several weeks late, but he had a pretty big stack left, so I didn't feel too bad), and he asked if I was ok b/c he saw that I was kinda upset in my meeting with the TL. Well, just thinking of the whole incident got me stressed out again, and my eyes started tearing up. So I just mumbled that it was about the trip. Well this OM was way better, he apologized for the confusion and the mixup, told me that the new project is another opportunity, and could be an even bigger opportunity since it has a bigger impact on the centre, acknowledged that it was a a disappointment not to put the trip on the resume, but they were looking for other things to offer me which is why they wanted me on the new project. So he really made feel a lot better, which is probably why he's one of the better OMs.

Anyways, for the rest of the day I didn't talk about it about anyone b/c when I tried talking to one of my friend's hubby (who's a cool guy and I knew him in HS but not well, and so we commiserate over missing his wife b/c she's on the trip), I got all upset again. But all night I had a headache and my eyes were aching.

So I went and got myself Soul Calibur 2, and spent the night playing on the PS2 until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I passed out in front of the tv. So now I'm trying to file my taxes, but I just needed to get everything out in the open.